Not The Best Beach Companion: Guest Post by KLZ from Taming Insanity

Wrapping up this week’s string of guest post fabulosity is KLZ from Taming Insanity. Whether she’s torturing her her parents, tasting Chicago, or recruiting talent for the Nerd Mafia, she’s doing it with style and sharp wit. Her husband’s fake celebrity exploits, her son’s adventures… it’s all well worth your time. Go check her out, but make sure you bring plenty of quarter words, cause this woman’s a Don.

Taming Insanity

I’ll admit, I’m not the best beach companion.

Well, I suppose that depends on what your thoughts on “best” are. Or “beach companion”.

My husband loves the ocean and goes charging into it with a vengeance every time he sees it. When he is too dressed up to attack his love with all the joy he can muster, he pouts. He wants to wave jump, ride waves, sail, snorkel, scuba, shark hunt, you name it.

When these attempts start, I watch indulgently. Once in awhile I go in. But I freaking hate salt water. Salt water + sunscreen = hot, burning tears streaming down my face. Normally, I watch him for a few minutes and then try to quietly slink away to a poolside deck chair. Where I will read for all of 20 minutes before being interrupted.

“Why won’t you play with me?”

Again, this is my husband.

I sigh audibly. Why can’t I just read my book? All I want to do is read my book. This seems like a reasonable request but in reality, the second I finish one book, I’ve got another one cracked open. So really, on vacation if you’re not a reader you’re left a bit….isolated.

For David’s 30th we were in the Caribbean and the resort had catamarans that you could take out whenever you’d like. At least, I think that’s what they’re called. I pay no attention to boat types and tend to call them by their sail colors or size. Anyway, it’s David’s birthday. He’s begging me to hang with him. I try not to grouch too much as I put my book down and head out to see on a little boat.

Really, it was relaxing. David liked steering the boat and I would lay and sun myself where no one but my husband could see my flab. And he was so not paying attention.

I should say, it was relaxing until the wind picked up and it started to rain. Then, then I began to freak out. Like, a lot.

David looked at me gleefully.

“Don’t worry babe. I can navigate us through this rain no problem. In fact, the wind will help me! Don’t worry about this tiny little storm at all.”

I replied, not calmly whatsoever, “We have to go back! We need to get back to the beach.”

David sighed and steered us back to shore. It was hard to live with a wife afraid of tiny little storms but by golly he’d keep me happy if he had to.

I leapt from the boat when we got to shore. I raced to our belongings. David looked at me quizzically.

I picked up my book and shoved it under a towel.

David looked at me angrily.

“What?” I asked, trying to maintain my innocence. “I just didn’t want my book to get wet.”